Sunday Train

     I can remember the day I left.  Standing on the train platform.  It was a warm Sunday morning.  Waiting on a train that I knew was taking me away for good.  There was no getting back together, or having her meet me in America, like we talked about...It's very sad when I think about it.  We would have all these drug induced conversations with all this foolish plans that both of us knew would never happen..[why do we do shit like that?]..Even as adults we still pretend. We pretended that it was something that we both wanted but deep down inside we knew, at least I thought it, it will never happen.  I just wanted to be so far away from there, and she no doubt wanted me as far as I could go.  Love?..I told her later in life that , "we really didn't have a relationship, it was more like a long date".  No counseling could of helped us, we needed a CSI team, our love was nothing short of a 'crime scene"....sad, but true....

     All of our "friends", were nowhere to be found.  Both of us just standing there, feeling uncomfortable with the situation, and afraid to speak what both of us knew....our last goodbye, and final kiss.  Too many 'I'm sorrys', and silent moments for us to repair any of this.  I knew this was the best way.  Not to save myself, but for her to also save herself.....I still see her standing their. Trying so hard not to cry. It was very tense for us both.  I kissed her and felt her tremble in my hands, she was so sad that it just simply broke my heart.  I hated myself for a long time after this and am honestly just now coming to terms with allot of wreckage, that floats up sometimes.  It's one of gifts that God has given us.  When we forgive ourselves.
       ........I know I'm not the only one to have ever felt this. I am not unique, there is nothing unique about when a person suffers, it's what we do to counter it that makes us prove our genius. A majority of us will feel {hopefully only once} that sting in our hearts.   Love, or what we thought love was.  For myself, love has changed.  Dramatically.  Funny how men shift from the bedroom right into the kitchen!..lol..Food baby!!...
     Okay, where was I?  Just as I was getting serious and making sense, I have to go off on some 'jokers path"....[sorry about that]...I guess the fact that I can joke about it is a good sign.  For a very long time I could not.  This one hurt.  I let it define a part of me that should never gain control.  But, that train has long since gone, many, many years ago, but there were times it felt like it was only yesterday.  I don't ever want to feel like that again, even today when I know someone who is feeling that way , it starts a  reaction in me....The madness of being alone, but not wanting to be alone.  Just the thought of that day brings back all these memories in waves....