Sunday Train

     I can remember the day I left.  Standing on the train platform.  It was a warm Sunday morning.  Waiting on a train that I knew was taking me away for good.  There was no getting back together, or having her meet me in America, like we talked about...It's very sad when I think about it.  We would have all these drug induced conversations with all this foolish plans that both of us knew would never happen..[why do we do shit like that?]..Even as adults we still pretend. We pretended that it was something that we both wanted but deep down inside we knew, at least I thought it, it will never happen.  I just wanted to be so far away from there, and she no doubt wanted me as far as I could go.  Love?..I told her later in life that , "we really didn't have a relationship, it was more like a long date".  No counseling could of helped us, we needed a CSI team, our love was nothing short of a 'crime scene"....sad, but true....

     All of our "friends", were nowhere to be found.  Both of us just standing there, feeling uncomfortable with the situation, and afraid to speak what both of us knew....our last goodbye, and final kiss.  Too many 'I'm sorrys', and silent moments for us to repair any of this.  I knew this was the best way.  Not to save myself, but for her to also save herself.....I still see her standing their. Trying so hard not to cry. It was very tense for us both.  I kissed her and felt her tremble in my hands, she was so sad that it just simply broke my heart.  I hated myself for a long time after this and am honestly just now coming to terms with allot of wreckage, that floats up sometimes.  It's one of gifts that God has given us.  When we forgive ourselves.
       ........I know I'm not the only one to have ever felt this. I am not unique, there is nothing unique about when a person suffers, it's what we do to counter it that makes us prove our genius. A majority of us will feel {hopefully only once} that sting in our hearts.   Love, or what we thought love was.  For myself, love has changed.  Dramatically.  Funny how men shift from the bedroom right into the kitchen!..lol..Food baby!!...
     Okay, where was I?  Just as I was getting serious and making sense, I have to go off on some 'jokers path"....[sorry about that]...I guess the fact that I can joke about it is a good sign.  For a very long time I could not.  This one hurt.  I let it define a part of me that should never gain control.  But, that train has long since gone, many, many years ago, but there were times it felt like it was only yesterday.  I don't ever want to feel like that again, even today when I know someone who is feeling that way , it starts a  reaction in me....The madness of being alone, but not wanting to be alone.  Just the thought of that day brings back all these memories in waves....

I know, lets adopt a Serial killer!!!

{man and women,sitting in their living room.  Discussing whether or not to adopt a 45 year old serial killer }   [women making suggestion to husband] ..... Lets see, with all that life is throwing at us, and all our struggles that just happen too cross into our path,  I know!.... "Lets adopt a serial killer!!...."That should make things a lot easier!   [husband, sitting there, just nodding his head,has hearing-aide turned off,].... "yes dear." " Yes dear".... Unbelievable what some will do.  I'm not criticizing this decision but, just wondering what would posses some one to do such a thing....money comes to mind first, then the word "christian" would more than likely pop up.   {Just a thought}

   Oh yeah, I'm thinking the husband is going to be in for a shock when he finally realizes to what he so easily agreed with.....Imagine that first meeting?...He has no clue his wife put all this in motion and one day after a hard days work, his wife says "get ready, we have to be at the prison before visiting hours are over".......he just looks at her and says "what!"..."Prison?"..."visiting?...."who",  "what the f...!"......[Ah-Ha moment]big one!.....Gotta be a special feeling, walking up to that 6 inch glass that separates you and have your new 'family member' say,,, "hi dad!"...WOW!, Well, one thing is kind of good about the relationship, and that is you know that they will never asked to borrow the car!......

High on Crack Street- Movie review

      From the start of this movie/documentary I automatically had a Turd "loaded in the intestinal chamber."   Many memories of the endless days and nights,  A slave to that shit...But, I was never a victim.  It was and is still a choice...I blame no one but myself.  I am currently starting a magazine called "CRACK'ED TODAY."  A magazine with a issue every 4 months.  Complete with photos and up and personnel stories of the men and women who actively chase the dragon.  Who knows, you could be one.  Not interviewed that is , but chasing the dragon!. Then this magazine might be for you.  The world of addiction would introduce the staff and have such in depth articles like:..The best looking "crack house" on it's specific street.  Of course a photo of the proud "owners" with a picture of them holding a extra large check for $5.75 the winnings for that period. This family seems to be winning all the time.   In fact, that's probably because they are the only family that doesn't smoke crack!   There is always a "Ying" to a "Yang", right?  So, we would also have a "worst yard" competition.  It's pay off is much bigger.  That's only because addiction is very, very expensive. And it's hard work keeping a yard in such a state of condition.  Broken down cars and engine parts have to be moved monthly or the city considers it abandoned, and has to be moved out.  At the owners expense!!  Crazy,huh?    So, you can see it can get kind of hectic towards the end of the month...I can consider this also a "Ah-Ha moment." [ topic of Ah-Ha blog], Watching addicts try to do something in a group other than 'copping" is a real "hobo moment."

    This magazine, well actually the movie review was supposed to be the topic, [remember?]. I'll get to that at the end.  So, Hows this for the first front page edition....."Crack Whores...The problem that just won't go away"... good ..huh?....Yeah I came up with that one, can't wait until I have to go out and "interview" a few of the lovely ladies...you know, just for professional purposes....for the Magazine...Well,   Every issue will have a "chefs corner"...probably won't be too fancy, kind of like a really "liberal cook show".  That's the best way to describe it. because, come on!  How many ways can you cook ramen noodles?..!! There will be a "special section" for other cooking, hmmmmm.....lets say "ideas"....yeah that will work. But we can't print that here. It's in some kind of code, and we can't break it.....

    There would be a "daily" prisoner log, so families can be updated on family members, in fact this takes up about 75 percent of the magazine...[ah- to be a journalist!....lol lol ....]  The health Section will cover such things as " how to remove small pieces of copper[choi] from the back of your throat.  In-depth articles like "how to melt,sharpen, and hone those 5 toothbrush's into one "SHIV"..oh wait!, that's wrong.This topic is in the "handy mans corner" sorry about that...okay. where were we.... Yeah,okay got it!...Health stuff.....another in depth article would cover the healing effect that urine has on small cuts on the hands and feet.  that's pretty convenient also, because that is about where all the urine I collect during the day goes.  hands or feet....hmmm maybe that's why I never had a hand infection...wow!,  "Obama care", at the street level...lol  

     I'm debating on whether or not to bring back the "roving reporter".  The last time. When he took the van and recording equipment, we didn't find the van for three days and thank the Lord the pawn shop didn't sell any of the equipment he pawned. So that's kind of up in the air...."CRACKED TODAY"...So, what do ya think?........This magazine Will be as successful as the neighbourhood allows it to be....just like with any news-paper,or country, The community,and the people, will dictate the what is good, and what is bad. One of the wonderful gifts that God allows us...The Power of choice!  The men and women in this Documentary. They made choices every day.  Just as I had done.  When I chose right I was happy, when I chose wrong, [and knew I was doing wrong], I was sad and unhappy...hmmm funny how that worked out..

       Ya know, we all have a road we've chosen/taken.  And we must continue forward. No matter what outside influences suggest!....This documentary was sad.  The people, the area, the town(not all) just  that life.  I know.  I have lived it.  This movie has been done before, and will play over numerous times everyday, in every corner of the world, but just with different "actors.  Who knows, maybe you know someone who is using, or you could be using yourself..It's a sad unhappy life when one goes this direction,...mine was...Maybe that is why I choose to 'satire" it with this blog.  I remember the life, the pain, the fading away into nothing,or so it seemed.....If you look at the photo in this blog.  Look at the beach, the sun rising, and the outline of me...now,...put yourself there, and if you have experienced addiction and have been to the places that this documentary took us. Then you will know exactly how it feels to fade away.   ......Let go, Let God.....amazing how "THAT" works.... S.B.E.

Tomato Plant farmer [Trampdown Date log]

      He's gonna be a Tomato plant farmer!..He's gonna get him some land in Oklahoma, and grow a few acre's of tomato plants!.. That was Marathon Mans fantasy topic one night.  All he was focused on was how good a roofer he was and the other gift that God gave him was "he could grow stuff good."  That was the statement that got my attention.  I knew this was another Ah-Ha moment..I was in for some free entertainment.  Whether or not if I wanted to watch or listen...I was captive, Hostage to a hobo moment...That ever present posture one must acquire out here.  And that is "Listening!"  I knew I was in for a treat.  So, I went along for the ride and I was privy to Marathon Man's plans for one day becoming the  "Tomato King guy."  

      Now you have to picture this setting.  We live in a abandon building, next to the hospital. We "reside"outside of course, being 'high class hobo's, Marathon man and I opted for the lake view option...lol..It's about 10:00 at night, and it is very quiet where we are and the moon is full. There are large oaks and the moss at time looks like gray beards just hanging down from the these large trees.  When the wind picks up it has the appearance of 100 small beards just swinging in the tree.    So, with the element of setting and his element of cooking wine and beer, and other additives into this foray of never ending statements, which reminds me a of a [joke], A guy with OCD complains about his therapy sessions.  Saying that "I can't stand my sessions,  it's always the same thing over and over and over."...and that is how this hobo moment began.  With the same sentence at least 2-3 times and me directing him back to the original topic.  Like I said, it's entertainment. participation is required.  lol...  From a "cool cat on a Hot Tarred roof", to a Tomato plant farmer.  I guess only in America. I hope not, these type of dreams should be available to all.

   "So Marathon man, you gonna be a farmer?"..."And why does this quest to be the King of tomato's have to unfold in Oklahoma?"  The only reason I can come up with that Oklahoma would be blessed with such a "entrepreneur", is that is  closer to the 'vinyards" out in California.  Marathon Man is sort of  partial to "cooking wine", which he calls his "sherry"...I mentioned this to him , but he just sort of thought about it, and said "I never thought about that."  It was at this time I told him , "Hey, Marathon Man".   I'm going to write a story about your life and call it "The Wrath of Grapes."....Once again he gave me that look, you know when someone stops in mid-sentence talking, and sort of drops their head and turns it sideways , like a dog hearing a high pitch sound.  He said, "I've heard that some where before"., I told him," Ever hear of the book", "The Grapes of Wrath?"....Once again the "dog look", and he says.."you wrote that!!"....
     Now, I'm the one with the dog look....and after about a 5 second pause, I laughed so hard that I finally felt what it is like to pass Sprite through one's nose!  There I was, bathed in the moonlight, with the moss gently blowing in the nights air, and me with sprite running down my shirt.  Marathon Man doesn't even realize it and tells me about how he read a book, and at one time land in Oklahoma was selling for a dollar a acre...I reminded him , that was probably in the 1800's, not now....{dog look}, He says, "yeah,well I will only need a few acres , not many."..I had to keep him going or he would have passed out, so I asked him."How much do you know about farming?", Well, he knew a guy, who had a brother, who's grandfather once saw a picture of a tomato in a book.....don't worry he has it all under control......I continued with my own personnel "reality show", and asked him , what he plans on doing if he wants to drive a tractor on his "tomato kingdom."  His license is , well as you can guess, suspended.  .."the best dog look yet!"....I mean, I've never seen anybody turn their head like that, and their neck did not snap....WOW!
      I lost him on that one.  He started to drift off, and I just let him go "gently into that night'...... For a long time I would get so aggravated with his ramblings and the never ending repetitive dialogue.  In this type of situation that I am in, your emotions and feelings can go any direction you choose.  I'm done with anger. I can show indifference, which at times it "seems' that I don't care, but that is just a 'safety posture' out here...We are all entertainment for someone. we are. Look around the room you are in some time, and if you can not find the "entertainment', simply provide some.....it's what I live for.....
.Have a really Great day!! 

Blogs

 

     Soon the English language is going to dis-inherit the word "day".  It's coming, and the word to replace it will be "BLOG".  Think about it...Monblog, Tuesblog,Wednesblog, and so on and so on.  It'd be cool to say shit like..."Happy Birthblog", or singing the Happy Birthblog song, lets not even get into that!..lol ..

     Try saying that without smiling....Happy Birthblog"...Well that was just a thought,,,So, have really great blog.....

P.S..."Thanksgiving blog, Christmas Blog...we would hear statements like..."Wheres the birthblog boy?"    

I was dead

[ Observing a family, a servant of God has thoughts}     I was dead. I was in heaven. When I say dead I mean in the physical sense.  In mans world I no longer exist.   I was watching a tragedy unfold as a family struggled with the loss of a loved one.  I remember the word struggle.  I know of love, and I know of hate.  But here, I know only of love.  For hate, vengeance, sorrow, revenge are all just words.  With no meaning.  In Gods kingdom we know only love.  If you give out vengeance, you will receive such back.  This situation, that I now watch is the memory of a murder.  A loved one was murdered and now a family tries to understand.  As I have stated, revenge, I know the word.  I know of the word, but it has no meaning anymore.  God has removed that from me.  As with hate and anger, vengeance and the coveting of others, as well as material possessions.

     Faith has set me free.  Maybe that is why I am here now.  Watching this family and to remind me of what anger and hate can do.  How destructive it is not to forgive.  Even though we have been wronged, we must forgive.   This Idea came to me while I was mopping the floors at KFC one night.  I had all these negative thoughts coming into my head and was pre-occupied with how bad my situation was, and not even thinking about how others might also be having "bad days."   I do not know why this thought popped into my head, but it did.  So I stopped working and stood there for a moment.   I felt ashamed and silly.  For I was healthy and working!! My present situation is do-able,so stop all the self pity.  I realized how ungrateful I was becoming.   I knew from past experiences that I should pay attention and make a attempt to decipher this, and all I could come up with is my angry thoughts and negative self-talk that I have been running through my head these past few days..

     It never ceases to amaze me how fast I can become obsessed with what "I WANT", and if I do not get it....wow!...There must be someone to blame, can't be me!!....lol lol That's how I ended my shift a KFC that night...ashamed, and silly....The next morning I was watching some documentaries on you tube and came across some footage of families speaking to the man who had murdered their loved ones.  It was very powerful.  I wasn't much interested in the killers, or how, or even the why they did what they did.  But it was the victims and their surviving families.

     I remember watching the families speak one after the other,  and the sadness of the court room.  Except this one man , who quietly moved up to the podium.  He had a different aire about him, in his face, in his demeanor, and how well he spoke....he was calm I guess you could say.  This was after, so many before him had spoke and really let a lot of anger and aggression out on this individual.  This caught my attention...His only child was raped and murdered by this man, and he just walked up and forgave him....wow!...right in open court.   I thought how brilliant and courageous that was.

     Then I understood why this man looked and acted different than the other grieving families.  He had forgiven.  He forgave the man and it set him at a different level of peace than those who were being destroyed by hate and anger.  I believe it is justified anger, i mean, someone has been taken in a act of violence, so anger is probably nessceassy.  Where did he get that type of courage?  I mean, this defendant.  His act of violence is unspeakable, and not only to this man, but to as many as 50 families...He murdered these women for his own selfish pleasures.  Unbelievable!!..And this man just simply forgave him..   In this trial, this was probably the only moment of hope.  It was a brilliant way to gain any control back that this mans actions might have produced.  Forgiveness gave him the opportunity to take back control. This man was a very dangerous evil man, and through the whole proceedings he just sat there.  Quiet, no emotion,...until this one man forgave him....forgiveness brought this horrible man to tears..he started to sob, and then cry....Forgiveness...Hmmm...So that night in Kfc WHEN i FIRST THOUGHT OF THIS, it all made sense now....I gotta start doing a little more forgiven of others , This family, that family, any family.  We must forgive. If a father can forgive the murderer of his only child.  Then how can I hold on too "peter pan" memories?........["Gods servant watching"].......If this was my family.And I could speak with them. I would tell them to forgive.  Being in heaven , I don't know pain anymore.  Not the way I use to.................Faith has kept me in a state of hope.  and that's a good place.  It teaches me to forgive.

Willam Bonin,{Serial Killer}....Just a guy, and his van, and his murderous fantasies!!

      William Bonin: [Just a guy and his van and his murderous fantasies]..The all American guy..He{they] were really not such bad guys.  Just a little too much sugar in their diets.  Some guys go to football games or indulge in the families and friends.  Bonin just needed a different path to "express" himself.  I bet if he had the opportunity to do something like, lets say Ballet, or square dancing he might have turned out a little different.      A more productive member of society and his community.  As he stated in the movie "Sick is just a question of community standards."  I find this very true.  And fortunately the "community" that he ended up residing in had something that not everyday normal communities have..AND that is a "Death Penalty!"  LOL.. 

Richard Speck...A Romantic Comedy..!

     The charm, and boyish good looks of one of America dearest sons.  Richard Speck..We ask ourselves, why would someone with so much potential, and ability, choose to go into such a hard line of work.  The medical field.  Why else would he of ended up in a rooming house full of nurses, but obviously to get some advice and opinions on the difficulty of nursing.  Yes, he did take them one by one into a room and rape and murder them, but only after exchanging information on the hardships of nursing and a life of helping others....{maybe I'm wrong}, but maybe I'm not!.. just something to think about.

    He tried many times to change his life around, and many times he failed, sad, but true.  In the end he finally achieved the ultimate change, and that was from a mediocre man, into a wonderful voluptuous women!  What were those, D-size cups he was sporting?  So in ending, This movie made me realize that the old saying is very true.  "Two things really do come from Texas, Steers and Queers...Hmmm guess which one he was?...lol